Tools to Cope with the Emotional Aspects
of Divorce
Contributed by:
George Lindall, M.Eq.
Licensed Psychologist
Phone: 612-282-2750
Email: nlperformancecoach@usinternet.com
January 21, 2003
1. Divorce is not for the unemotional.
Sadness, grief, and loss. Anger. Fear. Loneliness and emptiness. Guilt and
shame. All these emotions and more are common to divorce. Depending on whether
you are the leavee or the leaver, emotions vary and the timing of emotions
varies.
2. Emotions are golden because they are
the language of the soul. Cherish them. Listen to them. Use them as
information to guide you in your new life.
3. Emotions around conflict and around money
WILL be resurrected in your future life and your future relationships. The
only way to get past your emotions is to go through them.
4. Emotional separation is the key to moving
through and beyond your feelings. Emotional separation is thwarted by the
extent of contact you have with your ex-partner. Limit your
face-to-face, phone, and email contact with her/ him as much as possible.
Exchange the kids at school.
5. Rewire your thinking. Holding on to anger, bitterness, jealousy,
spite, hurt, blame will keep you stuck in those negative feelings. Forgive
your ex- and move forward with your new
life.
6. There will be many changes in your life: less
money, smaller housing, less time with the kids, more work, less companionship.
Don’t fight the changes. Welcome change into your life and trust
that your future will be good.
7. Transition times, when the kids reenter your home after being with their
other parent, are
always hard. Recharge
your batteries just prior to their return, so that you can be available to do
your best parenting.
8. The divorce is never final. As long as
the kids have contact with both parents, your relationships with the kids will
typically resurrect feelings from your past partnership.
9. The biggest challenges to second families are
step-family issues. Many second relationships are threatened or
destroyed because of issues concerning the step-children.
10. Divorce is one of those sacred
milestones in our lives that bless us with opportunities: to
become more aware of our core values, to make changes in our behavior and our
lifestyle, to live more in concert with our values.
Resources
Crazy Times: Surviving Divorce and Building a
New Life by Abigail Trafford. This book discusses all
the potential heartaches of early separation and divorce.
Co-parenting via ourfamilywizard.com, a
web site which assists co-parents: to manage information and to facilitate
communication between co-parents and with their kids living in two households.
Consists of shared calendars, message board, reminders, a journal, budget and
expense information. Minimizes the need for physical meetings and/or phone
calls, which are much more apt to become rancorous.
Support groups for separated
and divorcing individuals:
St. Edward’s Catholic Church, Bloomington
952-835-7101.
Wayzata Community Church, Paula Berry,
952-925-2711.
Mount Olivet Lutheran Church, South Minneapolis,
Carol Schneider, 612-927-7335.
